My Life in the NICU.

On May 23rd our newborn son Charlie came home from the hospital for the first time. Charlie was a "preemie", born 8 weeks early. He had been in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit aka the NICU.

Here is how it all went down.

Stage 1: THE STORM BEFORE THE STORM

My pregnant wife Sarah hadn't been feeling well. She was swelling up, her feet hurt and was getting headaches. Because of this she couldn't work and even missed our annual Wrestlemania Party. She was miserable.

She only came out for the Undertaker match,
thats when I knew something was wrong.

A routine check up showed that her blood pressure was high enough to cook a pizza. She was showing signs of a pregnancy disorder called pre-eclampsia. She was immediately admitted to the hospital. To prevent seizures and bring her blood pressure down the doctors gave her magnesium.  At the time she was 30 weeks pregnant. They said we would have to stay at the hospital until she gave birth. (or until insurance stopped paying for it) The goal was to get her to 34 weeks, which is a sweet spot for pre-eclampsia cases because its good for the baby and anytime after that is bad for the mother. Baby Charlie would be born early and most likely spend a few days in the NICU.

So we moved into the hospital! Not exactly what I had planned. But she wasn't doing well and we had to take it seriously. Even though I had tickets for Monsterpalooza that weekend, I still wanted to go. I was gonna stay by her side.

We got our own room. Sarah got a bed and I got a broken lawn chair in the corner. It would be our home for at least 3 weeks. We settled in, got chummy with the nurses and friends came to visit. We watched tv, met therapy dogs and their boring owners. Sarah could order room service, so we took advantage, stocking up on oranges, bananas and chocolate cake. After a while the room started to look like an apes cage. (apes love chocolate cake)

I also stopped showering. I'm one of those guys who has to wash their hair every day or it looks really greasy. But its not good to do that. So I figured I'd use this time in the hospital to take a break from washing and get back some of my hairs "natural oils".  People saw me and thought I lived in the trash compactor.  But they were wrong, I lived in a hospital room! Get it straight people!

I also got in a car accident, but we will save that for another blog.

Just put some ice on it. 

With all of this free time in the hospital, I vowed to catch up on some writing, but heres a surprise, I didn't! My laziness combined with the constant flow of nurses checking in every 5 minutes ruined any momentum I had. They drew Sarah's blood every 3 hours. Some nurses were good at it, some were like Ray Charles. People loved to barge into the room at all hours, especially the doctors. They love to hear themselves talk. It could be 3am and they would parade in like they were Rip Taylor.

Hows everybody feeling tonight? (in a sassy voice)

Sarah was on bed rest but the doctors eventually said she could leave the room in a wheel chair as long as we didn't leave the hospital.  I would push her around and tell everyone she was there for a sex change.  (it never gets old!) They also let us go out to a nearby patio so we could sit and be dramatic about our situation. This is also where we got into a fight because I was looking in other patients rooms. In my defense I was just curious about their situation!

Near our room was a hallway that was filled with pictures of babies that had come through the NICU. Success stories of parents who had babies that were around 2 pounds and born as early as 23 weeks. There were "before and after photos" and thank you letters from families.  We were definitely in good hands, but we also thought our baby would only have a brief "flyby" in this part of the hospital. The NICU was a world away, behind a locked door that you had to be buzzed in through.

After a week of being pumped with numerous medications Sarah started to feel better. The days were uneventful and most of our nights were spent watching Netflix's "13 Reasons Why".  If that damn kid would have just listened to all the tapes at once it would have saved us all some time. She was feeling good and we started to think that maybe we would just be sent home. The doctors reiterated that her blood pressure could raise at any time and she needed to stay and be monitored. We disagreed, but had to take their advice. The only thing we could agree on is that "13 Reasons Why" did not need to be finished.

Then on Saturday, April 15th during a routine vitals check, her blood pressure spiked again. After standard treatment it rose even higher. It was time to go back to the magnesium. So far Sarah hadn't had any stretch marks, she was fighting them off by rubbing a 2 liter of grape seed oil on her stomach each day. It seemed to be working. But magnesium makes you swell up fast. She put on a quick 15 pounds and stretched out. Now it looks like her stomach took a close range shotgun blast. When a baby gets Magnesium it makes their heart rate slow. So we couldn't risk it. Baby Charlie needed to come out now!

I'm fine, really. 

Stage 2 - THE INDUCTION

They moved us down the hall to another room. Sarah's new bed had stirrups and I had my usual "broken back" chair in the corner. It was time to induce labor. They put something in her crotch (medical term) to get her dilated. She was also still on the magnesium.  A parade of people came in and out, you could tell they were stressed, but knew what they were doing. During this time there is not much I can do so I would hang out and "fake sleep" when someone came in that annoyed me. It was late Saturday night and Sunday was Easter. It was looking like Charlie would be an Easter baby.

Sunday was a bit of a blur, we were both very tired. Sarah had gotten an epidural the night before so we were just waiting on contractions. She slept a lot while I watched a documentary on Casey Anthony.   Spoiler alert! Casey Anthony is totally guilty!

Monday morning we were woken up by doctors at 6am. Charlie was having a hard time in the womb so they couldn't wait for any more contractions, they needed to do a C-section right now!

Madea gives birth. Now in theaters!

There was always a chance of a C-section, but since she was induced we thought that ship had sailed. They whisked Sarah away to surgery and said I could join after she was prepped. The nurse gave me a rehearsed, condescending speech about how important a Dads job is. Then she left me alone to guard our cell phone chargers. But I was ready. I used to be an extra on ER so I'm used to this type of stuff. 

Luckily I slept in this. 

After a few minutes they said I could come in the operating room. Sarah was laying on a table and they had a sheet up separating the bottom half of her body. It looked like they were doing a magic trick, but with more blood. The nurse told me to not look over the curtain. I made another sex change joke and held Sarah's hand.  About 8 minutes later I heard what sounded like a kitty cat crying. A nurse lifted little Charlie above the sheet and I got to see his sweet little face for the first time. He was the size of a foot long sub (not toasted). Sarah was in and out of consciousness but I told her that Charlie looked like a Ghoulie so she would know he was handsome. 

Hi Mom and Dad!

Sarah had to be rushed to the ICU and they took Charlie to the NICU where a pit crew worked on him to keep him alive. I watched as they made sure his heart worked, he was breathing okay and that he spoke Spanish (required in LA). Very thankful to the team that did such a great job delivering our little Charlie! (and I do mean little!) 

He's in there somewhere.

Dr. Nghiem is the fantastic doctor who brought Charlie into the world safe and sound. She did a great C-section and according to Facebook, she also owns a chain of Great Clips hair salons on the side. I guess you gotta follow your dreams!

The Doctor will see you now. 

I left Charlie and went back to see Sarah, who looked like she was hit by Mike Tyson. I made small talk with Dr. Nghiem about Pro Football and she said my hair could use a trim. I told her to stay focused.

After she stabilizes we'll give her some bangs.

Sarah gave birth to Charlie at 8:25am but didn't get to see him until 9pm that night. The hospital arranged for someone to take her down to the NICU in a wheelchair.  The guy pushing the wheelchair apparently wasn't aware of her delicate situation because he was acting like he was on The Amazing Race. Sarah abruptly politely asked him to slow the hell down before she puked all over his crocs. I enjoyed the fact that I wasn't the one being yelled at for once. 

When Sarah first saw Charlie she was shocked at how small he actually was.

 Later on, friends would visit and say he looked like Benjamin Buttons. 

I still think Charlie's stronger. 

The NICU incubator is made to simulate the womb. It has heat, oxygen and is surrounded by chatty nurses. (wait that doesn't sound right) All for the reasonable price of only $9,000 a day. Which is similar to our apartment in Santa Monica. (rent controlled)

9 grand a day! We'll just take care of him at home. 

You'll probably notice that all of my pictures look like they were taken with a camera made of boogers. Thats because in the NICU all cell phones must stay in a plastic bag. Its a pain in the ass but those things have more germs than a 24 Hour Fitness toilet.


Stage 3: THE NICU

With Charlie being born 8 weeks early we officially became parents to a "preemie" baby. It was time for us to enter the world of the NICU. Basically our son would be living here until he grows to the size of a normal size baby. He is monitored and cared for and the parents get a crash course on taking care of a "preemie".  We would be spending a lot of time here. Luckily I had off work and my wife hates working. There were other parents there as well. Some were new like us, some had been there for months. It was time to get to know the neighbors.

I looked at the other couples, trying to find a common denominator. Were they all other Hollywood assholes who had put off family life until their late 30's only to risk complications? Or were we all victims of modern society, sleeping with our cell phones and lap tops too close to our beds. Or was it another gypsy curse? Anything to explain why our pregnancies didn't take the normal route. But the parents were from all walks of life. The one thing we all seemed to have in common was a positive attitude and a determination to make the best of the situation. None of them were weird! It was kind of boring!

I've never thought of our child as different or hindered. I've always trusted the NICU team and knew he would always be okay. They can do amazing things with medicine these days. If doctors could sew Jon Bobbitt's dick back on back in 1993, I'm sure they can take care of our little Charlie in 2017.

"Tiny but Mighty" - the preemie mantra, and will be on every
shirt he wears for the next 3 years. 

One of the good things about having a child in the NICU is that you get a supervised transition into parenthood. You get experience handling and feeding them and you don't get thrown into the deep end right away. Its like having an expensive nanny that your insurance hopefully pays for.

You learn these ropes at things called "Touch Times" - designated times for the parents to come and participate in the babies care. Of course you are welcome to come be with your child at any time but this helps establish a schedule that you can also use when you bring the baby home. Touch time starts with a temperature reading, a diaper change, a feeding and some "skin to skin" snuggle time. Skin to skin is great for the baby, it helps them grow and gets them used to the smell of Axe body spray. Our touch times were every 3 hours.  6am, 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm, 12am ..blah blah you get it.

It was nice just resting and spending time with him. We would play him gentle songs off youtube that would get interrupted by blaring advertisements for T-mobile and AT&T.
His favorite songs included...

Mazzy Star - "Fade Into You"
Alan Jackson - "Remember When"
Skid Row - "I Remember You" (lullaby version)
Guns N Roses  "November Rain" (lullaby version)
Kenny Chesney "There Goes My Life"
Alvvays "Marry Me Archie"
and anything by Fleetwood Mac.

The most awkward thing about Touch Time is that the baby is still connected to about 30 wires and electrodes when you are handling them. Its like snuggling with the back of your entertainment center.
Below are some photos of Touch Time.

Let the touching begin!

Here is what our daily schedule looked like.

7:00am - wife gets up to pump breasts
7:05am - wife wakes up husband because if she is up he needs to be up.
8:30am - husband and wife argue about being late for "touch time" (we live 5 minutes from the  
               hospital)
8:40am - arrive at hospital, husband says "I told you we wouldn't be late", wife spins it to make it  
               seem like husband doesn't care about their son.
8:45am - wash hands for about a half an hour (mild exaggeration)
9:00am - touch time with the baby
11:00am - eat at overpriced deli
12:00pm - touch time with the baby
1:30pm - go home to pay bills
2:00pm - wife pumps breasts - husband gets strangely turned on
3:00pm - take a nap
6:00pm - touch time with the baby
6:30pm - get yelled at by wife about how I'm holding the babies head wrong.
7:30pm - eat at different overpriced deli
9:00pm - touch time with the baby
9:30pm - get yelled at by wife for accidentally dropping a pen on babies face.
10:45pm - go home
11:00pm - wife pumps breasts again (we have enough milk to put out a forest fire)
11:20pm - google "ways to make money selling breast milk"
11:30pm - beg for sex against medical advice

And you repeat this day, over and over again until your divorce is final.

But while this is going on, you suddenly notice that your baby is growing!

I'm almost 4 pounds fool!

The NICU nurses were pretty cool. They've seen it all. You could tell them that your son is peeing out of his eye sockets and they would say "thats normal" followed by "I'm going on break".  They actually loved hearing that I was a comedian. I hammed it up, cracking jokes every chance I got. They had no choice but to be my captive audience! I felt alive (pathetic, I know)

There are also lactation specialists that help the baby start breast feeding.  That wasn't a problem because my wife makes breast milk by the bucket. You could mop the floor with it. She strolls around the NICU in her milk stained kimono looking like a sex worker in the red light district. We have enough breast milk to feed Charlie at his high school graduation.

The main thing your baby will deal with is a condition called Bradycardia aka "Bradys".
Brady's are when the babies heart rate drops below 100 beats per minute. Its a common thing for preemies because their system is not as mature as a term baby. The Brady's  can be detected by electrodes that beep loudly when the heart rate drops. The alarms can be stressful, they make smoke detectors sound soothing. Your child has to go 5 days without a brady before they can go home.  If you go 4 days, and then suddenly you have one, the clock starts over.

Here are some things that you and your baby must do before leaving the NICU.

- baby must pass a hearing test
- parents have to give baby a bath

- no brady's for 5 days
- parents must know how to use nose suction.
- get their eye exam, there is an eye exam that some preemies have to get where they basically take
  their eyeballs out and look at the back of them. Charlie has had it twice, and is scheduled for a
  third. Ouch.
- must have a car seat installed in your car.
- must pass the car seat test.
- take a CPR class (my dummy was too cool for me)

I used to be a sex doll. 

When Charlie passed his car seat test, the nurses surprised us with this sign.

I pissed passed yay

Obviously the main thing for parents is you need to know how to change diapers, feed em, and operate on no sleep for days at a time. There is a lot of multitasking. Preemies need a little more extra care than the average newborn.

As I write this our little Charlie is finally home after 5 long weeks in the NICU. We gave him a bath tonight and I can hear him squawking in the other room because its almost feeding ass wiping time again. He's a great kid. We absolutely adore him and have fun with him every day. I hope he always knows how much we love him. He enjoys pooping, burping and getting Desitin, his favorite butt cream applied. He also has a favorite hat with ducks on it. He's getting circumcised next week so watch out ladies. He even decorated his own nursery door.

don't ask. 

Also Sarah has already learned to multitask.

Below are some more pictures of our little Charlie. 

After a good burping, ready to take on Benjamin Buttons!

just "kicking it".

Friday night in the NICU.

Bottle time with Dad. 

Getting Desitin, his favorite butt cream. 

Snuggle time with Mom. 

already way too cool for us. 

On a walk in Santa Monica with Mom. 

The real props go to Sarah. I knew she would be a great Mom but she has gone above and beyond and has been perfect for our son. She works super hard and I hope I never take it for granted.  Oh wait, I already did last night when she was up with him all night while I slept... well, Starting now!

Our little NICU family. 

@chrisgehrt