Monsterpalooza - Friday, April 13th 2018

There are few things I love more than the horror convention Monsterpalooza. (Sex)
And since Monsterpalooza comes to town about the same number of times each year (twice),  I get really excited when its on my calendar!

This year, Monsterpalooza kicked off on Friday, April 13th. Thats right "Friday the 13th!", which in my world is like a fricken holiday. I couldn't miss it. Its the perfect excuse for a 40 year old man to blow hard earned money that should be used to buy his son diapers.

Well just re-use this one. 

 I hopped in the car and took the 90 minute drive (25 miles) from Santa Monica to Pasadena. I was determined to waste money!

I used to live in Pasadena so I love when I get an excuse to go back. My nostalgia quickly turned to anger when I saw that there was a line of goth looking people wrapped around the block. It looked like Spencer Gifts was having a job fair. Luckily I had bought my ticket in advance. I did refuse to pay the $12 parking fee though, so I ended up getting a spot on the street that was only 6 miles away. Lucky me!  I caught a cab and headed over to the convention. 

Most people at Monsterpalooza are Horror fans, local loons and people who want to let their freak flag fly.  Its a real bag of mixed nuts. Many local hotels will be bleaching a variety of stains from their sheets after a "Lon Chaney themed" orgy or a "Monster Sized" masturbation session.

Those are dicks on his head. 

If you read this blog you know that I'm a MASSIVE Friday the 13th fan. But I'm sure you don't read this blog so I'll just tell ya, I'm a huge Friday the 13th fan! The main reason I was going to this was to meet actor Corey Feldman. If you are my age or older you know Corey from the movies Gremlins, Goonies, Lost  Boys, Stand by Me, License to Drive and of course  Friday the 13th part 4. If you're younger than me you know him from getting molested on all of those movies sets. He's a constant prick that seems to only be nice to pretty girls but he is a key member of the Friday the 13th universe and for years I've wanted to have my moment with him.

Its not from a lack of trying though.  I've emailed him, tweeted him, talked to his manager, offered to do free comedy shows at his house, tried to book him at Second City and I'm always rejected. I grew up wanting to be like Mouth, now I want to punch him in his. But this night he was doing an autograph signing after a special screening of some straight to the trash DVD movie that he was in. 

ANYWAYS!

My other objective was to get a picture with Kane Hodder. You probably don't  know Kane as the guy who played Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th part 7, 8, 9 and 10. (you know, all the good ones 🙁)  

I figured I'd meet Kane quick and then I'd go get in line for Corey Feldman. I found Kane's autograph booth and slipped into line between two unshowered men. I figured it wouldn't be long at all.

Kane was being extra nice to people, taking his time and talking with everyone. For a guy who plays a character that doesn't talk, he was a real "Chatty Cathy".  He was taking pictures and giving gloved fist bumps to people he didn't want to touch. He was a real life "dork whisperer". 

About an hour and a half later I found myself at the front of the line. I never really have anything interesting to say in these situations. I'm terrible at conversation. But I figured since Kane was a regular Ryan Seacrest he would lead the way and make me feel at home. 

As I was about to approach him, we were suddenly interrupted by a mysterious man who cut the line stopped by Kanes booth and just had to talk to him.  

This line jumper wore a black coat, top hat, and a name tag that said "The Gentleman Zombie" .. oh, and did I mention he had no nose. Thats right, NO NOSE. It wasn't make up or some sort of prosthetic, he really had no nose. I could see into the back of his head into the empty space where people normally keep their manners. 

Below is a real photo of him.

He's back, and now he's interrupting this blog!

He chatted with Kane for about 12 minutes. Showing off his blowhole and spouting the usual cliche about "overcoming obstacles" and "turning a negative into a positive". I smiled politely, checking the time on my phone, knowing that I had told my wife I'd be home by 8pm and at this rate I'd be lucky to be home by Christmas. 

The man finally wrapped things up with Kane and sauntered off towards the women's bathroom. I readied myself for my long awaited moment...

AND THEN I WAS INTERRUPTED AGAIN!  But this time by a girl, (with a nose.)  I think she was Kane's girlfriend or possibly a girl who likes to bang guys who played Jason. You're next Ted White!  (Ted played Jason in part 4 and he is 92 years old)  

This girl talked to Kane for another 10 minutes. From what I could overhear she apparently needed to get his dinner order. This guy took longer to order food than my wife does.  

But again, it was fine.  

I stood there awkwardly, shuffling my feet while Kane perused a Panda Express menu. I should also note that during this time at the table next to Kane was Director John Carl Buechler, who directed Friday the 13th part 7.  John decided to take this moment to start serenading Kane with an Italian love song. I'm not sure why he took this moment to do something so "wacky" but I guess he had to take advantage of the audience since there was no one in his line and Kane's line now stretched from Pasadena to San Dimas. 

John is one of few people that has worked with most of the major slashers, He's directed or done special effects on a Friday the 13th, Halloween and a Nightmare on Elm Street film. So I guess singing in Italian was the one thing he had left to conquer. When he finished his serenade, there was not a dry eye in the house, mainly because of the sardines he must have eaten earlier. 

"Wont you spare a dollar" (In Italian)

I did end up finally getting my picture with Kane. He was super nice and it was worth the wait. He signed a "Jason Takes Manhattan" photo for me only because he was sold out of photos for "Jason takes a Dump"

It was time to meet Corey Feldman. He hadn't arrived at his table yet, he was being a dick running late, but the line was already pretty long. I hadn't taken a piss since before getting in Kanes DMV line  so finding the bathroom was the first priority. 

(this blog has been posted "unfinished" and will continue to be updated as my lazy ass continues to chip away at it)